A buddy of mine just sent me the most recent column from Bill Simmons. If you’ve never read any of his stuff, or for that matter never heard of him, please do yourself a favor and read his column on ESPN.com. I was thinking, as I was reading his column about being appointed the National Sports Czar. I mean, why not? We’ve got a drug czar, a national security czar, why not a sports czar. Now in my nirvana, the National Sports Czar would be solely responsible for making corrections to the games we Americans love, that would otherwise go unnoticed. (I’m smiling inside!)
So here’s a list of the things that I would change in sports. (I’m certain that I will be unable to recall everything that I have ever bitched about regarding sports, but I will try)
1. Pete Rose would go into the Baseball Hall of Fame tomorrow. Cooperstown is not for nice guys; hell, Ty Cobb is in there. He might possibly be the worst human being ever. What Pete did on the field will never be done again. Ban him from managing ever again, but he belongs in the Hall.
2. The NBA season would be cut to 40 games, 82 games plus play-offs is just downright silly. NFL season would be cut to 12 games, plus play-offs, and no meaningless pre-season games! What the hell is training camp for? (Sorry Mr. Goddell) MLB season would be cut to 65 games, plus play-offs. Likewise no pre-season, you billionaire owners will just have to find another way to gouge middle-class America. (Here come the concession increases!)
3. NASCAR races would have to race every other race turning right. That’s right all you red-neck racing purists, Big Daddy is dropping the hammer on your beloved national past-time! I would also add more road courses. I mean, do you wanna see these pansies drive or just ride around in a circle for three hours?
4. I immediately move the pitcher’s mound 6” closer to the plate and raise it back up 6”. 72 home runs in one season my ass! Now a home run will actually mean something!
5. The Memphis Grizzlies would move to Nashville. Memphis sucks and everyone but the Grizzlies knows this.
6. The Chicago Cubs would automatically play in the next World Series. Hey! What’s the point of having this kind of power if you’re not going to use it for personal satisfaction at some point?
7. I would implore the UFC brass to sign Hector Lombard, Uriah Faber, and Jose Aldo immediately.
8. The MLB all-star game, in order to "mean something", would involve the winning league getting to host the event the following year. Money makes players play.
9. Sticking with baseball, I would fire Bud Selig tomorrow. The guy is a mixture of Tickle-me Elmo and Herman Munster and has no idea what he's doing.
10. Lastly, I would test every MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL player for performance enhancing drugs, no matter the cost. Oh, and Barry Bonds gets an * beside everything he's ever done in the game of baseball.
