OMG...The Bikinis

Here’s the scene; you’re at the local swimming pool. You’re chillin’ with the family, taking the occasional dip into the giant toilet otherwise known as the swimming pool. It’s a warm June day; a bit humid, but tolerable. People are beginning to file in and before you realize it, you are literally surrounded by chicks far too large and egg-shaped to be in a two-piece bikini.



This happened to my family this afternoon so, of course, I had to blog about it. Now I have nothing against fat chicks going to the local pee hole. Do your thang gal, but how about covering your cottage cheese-ridden ass for the rest of us in attendance? They make bathing suits for “full-figured” gals like you; I’ve seen them. Seriously, I want to say them, “You look like a hot dog that’s been nuked too long!” There’s stuff overflowing everywhere, and most of it in places it shouldn’t be overflowing.


It’s not even that they show up in public looking like a stuffed sausage, it’s that, at some point in the bikini-buying-process, she looked at her backside in the mirror and said, “Oh yeah! That looks really good!” Huh? Don’t girls always go shopping with at least one other female? Isn’t that like a written rule in the book of feminine rules for life? I think it’s located just above rule #8 which states that all females must have at least one other female partner in order to go pee in a public restroom. Anyway, does the obligatory shopping friend not have the moral responsibility to tell her bikini-clad pear the truth about the bathing suit? I understand that mirrors seldom lie, but apparently so does the shopping buddy.

Honesty of self is difficult to swallow, I know. But if you wouldn’t swallow every piece of food that come within 200 yards of you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. Somewhere along the line there must be a bikini intervention. Sales clerk, just say no!


This goes for the guys too! Not just the freaks kickin’ the Speedos either! If you haven’t gotten off the couch in the past two weeks other than to drop a deuce or to stuff your pie hole, do us all a favor, stay away from the public pool. I have small children. So I’ve developed a few “suggestions” with regard to public swimming pool attire, especially bikinis.


1. If your have 2 boobs coming and 2 boobs going; that’s too many boobs.


2. I’m not completely certain about the percentage of one’s body that cannot be “back-fat”, but someone should determine what the public exposure limit should be.


3. If the back of your legs look like a new container of Mayfield’s cottage cheese, skip the bikini and the pool. Go to the gym instead.


4. If your gut covers the top 1/2 of your bikini bottoms, or swim trunks, skip the pool and your next 4 meals.


5. If you’re rockin’ the new rebel flag swim suit from Pigeon Forge, TN….you’re officially a redneck. Please don’t spit your ‘backer juice in the pool.


6. Ladies, horizontal stripes only work on runway models and bulimics; go vertical.


7. Lastly, if you have to pull your stomach “up” to find the best spot for your navel piercing, you probably don’t need one.


Look, I’m no Adonis, but if I were 800 lbs. I would keep both of my asses at the gym until I was suitable to make an appearance at the local swimming hole. Help me help you, pear-shaped-chick in the bikini.