Rant - Aliens Colonial Marines SUCKS

I know this is overdue because the game was released last month, but I didn't play it until now. And I probably shouldn't have played it. It was shit. Very shit. Ho-ly fuck was it shit.

So if you read my previous rant on FIFA 13 you will have a good idea what the drill is here. I swear a lot and explain why the game sucks so much. Simples, right?

OK I honestly don't know where to start. I was going to write a review, but I thought: fuck it; this game isn't even worth that. So you can take this as my review. 

So here we go.

Mike, why do you hate this game that you don't even want to write the name of so much?

Hm, well let's start with the cosmetics first. Nothing too heavy. Just the cosmetics. Well the game looks shit. Now I know, I know, 'graphics aren't everything' and all that shit. Well, believe me, I am one of the few people you will meet who hole heartedly agrees with that statement, and I could forgive this game for its poor graphics and many, many, graphical glitches. However, when I consider how shit the graphics are and then think of how shit the rest of the game is, well, it pissed me off even more.

Outdoor environments look pretty good, I'll give the game that. However indoor environments look more fucking shit than a toilet after a night of curry eating. It might more be the art design than graphics, but the environments, except some outdoor ones, look like crap. They all look the fucking same. WHY DO YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME?

They are so fucking boring the only way to make them even remotely entertaining would be to smoke ten joints and fill yourself up on LSD - and I would not recommend that in the least, unless you want to die.

They are so fucking boring. Like 'zzzzz' boring. Like, poke your eyes out boring. 

The rest of the graphics are, well the rest of the graphics, well, let's just say, for the most part, 'shit'.

The characters look like something out of fucking Looney Tunes and facial animations are crap.
What's more, screen tearing and popping is con-fucking-stant.  

Not that the characters need to have recognisable or presentable faces because all of them are as shallow as a fucking half-inch puddle. My God, GearBox must have gone out of their way to make the characters so stupid and shallow and completely uninteresting. I honestly don't think that you can make them that fucking awful by accident; they must have done it specially. 

They are boring and completely, just, fucking, I don't know, just fucking shit. Completely shit. The eggs in my cupboard have more character than these shits. Honestly, at least some of my eggs have feathers stuck to them that make them look a little funny. 

They are so fucking dumb too. I mean, if they were real humans, I can honestly say they would be in the funny farm, not the fucking military. 

They don't do jack, fucking, shit. They literally stand there, gawping, shouting and doing nothing constructive. In FACT, all they did was block my way. They actually got in the way. They did nothing but GET IN THE FUCKING WAY. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN IN 20-AND FUCKING-13 GEARBOX? HOW?

The enemy AI is, haha, exactly that: laughable. I don't think I've ever been so not scared by a game. I was actually LAUGHING, when I should have been crying.

The aliens are just bumbling goons. And the human bad guys are shit too.

The gameplay is shit also. The aliens and humans are not much fun to fight and the shooting feels so fucking papery I thought I was playing Paper Mario With Guns or something.

I really don't want to waste my time ranting about this game anymore. Bottom line is that it is shit. Don't play it, just don't. I am not even a massive fan of the Alien series, but I was looking forward to this game like crazy. It is totally shit. Massive piece of crap that craps all over Gearbox's reputation. To be honest, the E3 demo looked way better than this shitty version. How is that even possible?

Oh and you may have noticed I didn't mention the story. I forgot actually, which is what you will do with the story after you play this shit fucking game. Although I do beg you not to play it. If anything play Alien Vs Predator. It is actually pretty fun.

FIFA 13 Pisses Me Off (Rant)

I will warn you; this article does contain plenty of language

In case you were wondering; no, this article is not being written while I am angry, however it is being written with rage at the core.

So I wanted to write this rant about FIFA 13, after all the problems it has got to me. 

So, Mike, why does FIFA 13 piss you off? Well, let's start here:

How the hell do you get 17 shots - 15 on target - and not score until the 90th minute? When the opponent has 6 shots, 3 on target, and scores in the 29th minute? In other words, how does it happen that you can be owning another player completely, with attacking, passing and defending but can't score a single of the good shots you send at their keeper, but they can score with one shot from outside the area?

Now, this isn't a case of "my shots were shit and his ones were good" - if you play FIFA you know the drill. You'll know that most, if not all, of your own shots may be amazing, but one of their mediocre ones easily ends up in your net. 

What about defending? Well if they only got 6 shots and you got nearly 20, who has the better defence?

The bottom line is; how can a player do fuck all in a match and their keeper saves all your shots, and when they are presented with one opportunity it is a goal? 

I'm not gonna get all technical and say "EA fix this" and "I think this needs to change" because, quite frankly, I don't give a crap, but I do know it pisses me the hell off.

Say what you like; "you're shit at FIFA" "Get good" and all that nonsense if you want, but if you play the game, you'll know what I mean.

So what else is annoying? 

I don't know- oh, maybe, where's my fucking defence gone? I get a freekick in my own half and suddenly it's 'get in the penalty area everyone, this is could be a goal' time. If you think I'm gonna cross the ball into the opponents penalty area from my own half you can piss off. But still, all the defenders amble up in an attempt to, what? Score from 50 yards? be a hero? Get the fuck back in defence and stop making fools of yourselves.

But no, there are only two defenders left to, well, defend, basically, and if the freekick goes wrong, where are the rest? Gone. Vanished. Disappeared. Too slow to get back in time and you're spread open - so far open counselling will be in order to recover from this disturbing ordeal.

Here's an idea: do your fucking job and defend.

While we're on the topic of defence and defenders, it's worth noting about how UNBELIEVABLY SHIT AND AWFUL the AI defending is. Defenders just stop running back, for no reason. They don't intercept balls 3 inches from their feet that are traveling at, what, 2mph? Then they just stand there, doing absolutely nothing at all. They stand there twitching, like they're caught in a glitch. Are you gonna stand there watching me concede or are you going to fucking help?

Oh and goalkeepers; don't get me started on those idiots. Apparently a goalkeeper can save everything that comes their way, but the moment a back pass to them is attempted they panic, get diarrhea and, yep, the ball goes through their legs into their own goal. Is this a joke? No, this is not joke. This is serious; very, very, serious.

Attacking AI is just as bad too. 

How, exactly, is it improved, EA?

There could be the biggest gap in an opponent's defence that anybody has ever seen and Alexandre Pato - or any other striker in FIFA 13 - still wouldn't run into it. Why are you running right next to the defender? Do you want to bum him or something? 

The AI runs are a joke a lot of the time. It's like every attacker in the game has the run making ability of Carlton Cole.

In fact, screw it; all the AI sucks. In fact, it sucks to the point where players just handball the ball for NO REASON AT ALL.

The ball bounces at a player and oh, they handball it. They take a touch and the ball bounces and, oh of course, they just handball it. It wouldn't be a big deal - after all, the ref doesn't even care - except the ball just bounces off of players' hands and out of play. What. A. Joke. And yes, I do have handballs turned on.

This has gone on too long, though. Let's speed it up:

Referees are a joke; they can't tell a foul from a good tackle.

Matchmaking is fucking A-W-F-U-L.

Oh and why, in fucks name, does it just decide to crash at the title screen when updating the store catalogue? I'm not alone with this. WHY? TELL ME!

Why the fuck do my hospitality settings not save? My custom formations? Poof. Gone. 

In career mode, when you aren't playing as Barcelona, why is Messi never top scorer and performs like crap? In other words: Why is AI Messi shit?

Another thing about career mode; I'm sick of Juventus wanting to buy Neuer - EVERY FUCKING TIME.

One more thing: When I press Pass, or Shoot - or WHATEVER: do it. Don't take an extra touch - DO IT.

Invisible ball can fuck off too.

So yeah. There you go. My honest opinion about the things FIFA 13 does to piss me off.